Let Me Fall
by Felicity G. Silvers
Summary: The thing about falling is if you don't get right back up and have another go, you might not ever. Steve should know.


A few months ago for my birthday a friend took me to see Cirque du Soliel's Quidam. Naturally, I got all wrapped up in circus feels (I do so love the circus) and next thing I knew I had spammed this. Woops. Don't mind me, right?

There's a bit of artistic license in here—I don't really go into detail about how the circus works or any of that beyond what I know, but as a warning: don't try this at home. Yeah.

Warnings: falling, mentioned character death and injuries. Some of us have serious phobias about falling, so I want that to be really fucking clear—there's some falling. The death doesn't happen on-screen, but it is mentioned, so also have that in mind.

* * *

The first time they meet, Steve doesn't really think too much of Loki. That might be because he's buried under designs and trying to work out the new costumes, piles of sequins and yards of fabric as far as he can see, getting increasingly annoyed that "I'll be sewing some of the costumes" is interpreted as "let's just interrupt you every five minutes" by the rest of the troupe, and really, where have manners gone these days? He gets a vague impression of politeness, Loki actually stays still as Steve measures, then he's back to work, measurements tossed into the binder he keeps it with only _aerial act—contortionist_ as a label, because at that point he actually didn't know Loki's name.

When he surfaces to grab dinner, he actually _notices_ him.

"Who's that?" he asks Bruce. Bruce blinks, looking up from the score he's scribbling on, and focuses where Steve has nodded.

"Oh. Loki. Thor's little brother or something like that. Thor heard Tony talking about wanting the aerial act and mentioned him, Tony's head over heels for him."

"Huh."

As if aware he's being watched, Loki's eyes flick over to them; Steve looks away, putting the new troupe member out of mind for now.

He's too busy to go visit while people are practicing, and besides, Steve prefers working on costumes far more than he does seeing the aerial acts. Tony's got some soul hurt he's pouring in from whatever went on with Stane, so the whole show is riddled with too many drops and letting go and just barely catching for Steve's comfort (he knows it's safe, he does, Tony's always careful about that, just as much as the troupe members if not more, but he still remembers Bucky and there's a reason Steve stopped performing and buried himself in costumes even if he doesn't much like to talk about it. There's a trust there; Steve broke it. It wasn't his fault, there's no help for bad luck and one in a thousand chances, but he feels like it is, and he can't let that go, even now, years later. Sometimes, he thinks about climbing back up, but he can't.) He sees Loki in bits and pieces, brief fittings that Steve spends looking more at the costume than he does at Loki. Loki is always quiet, always polite, gone again as soon as Steve is done—he doesn't hover like Thor or Clint or even Tony when Tony's bouncing with mania.

The gossip is friendly enough. Natasha seems to like him, which is saying something, and naturally Clint hates him with a fiery passion only aroused when he thinks Natasha _likes_ someone. Steve doesn't touch that rant with a ten foot pole; he knows how circus drama goes and he knows Natasha will see to it, she always does. Thor explains in great detail to Steve all his worries about his apparently adopted younger brother fitting in while Steve tries to get him to just _stay still_. Bruce likes his ear for music and attention to cues he layers in the score for the performers, Pepper adores that he is strictly on time to things when she needs to talk to him and how quickly he picks up his routine, Tony likes the fact he's willing to snark back despite being new, and even Fury just shrugs when Steve asks (which is better than when Natasha joined and he went on an hour long rant about how reckless she was. Steve's still amused that now they're best friends). All in all, he has the vague impression of dark hair, pale skin, and a preference to keep a certain privacy that Steve can appreciate.

It's two weeks prior to opening night, when Steve has Loki stop by to put his makeup on and make sure he knows how to apply it himself, that Steve sees him.

Loki is still while Steve applies makeup in the way only a contortionist used to needing to hold poses for minutes at a time can be. Every movement he makes is careful, calculated, eyes closing or a lip pouting without Steve needing to ask, head tilting up as Steve runs the bright blood red splash along the line of his neck, attentive as Steve explains how and where things should blend together. The colours—whites, ghostly grays, and the single splash of red at his throat—only make his eyes stand out more, a fevered and poisonous green Steve wishes he could bottle.

"Morbid," Loki decrees as he examines his face in the mirror, voice lower and richer than Steve expected from his thin frame, accented a way Thor's isn't these days.

"You only just noticed?" Steve says, chuckling because now that he's actually _looked_ at Loki, he's nervous in a way that makes his spine tingle.

Loki chuckles, a knife-like smile touching his features.

"Perhaps," is all he says, plucking the Polaroid picture from Steve's fingers before slipping out of the costuming room.

It makes Steve want to go after him, but the final touches on costumes won't sew themselves.

Steve doesn't actually see him for the rest of the week; too many things to do, all the last minute things he has to have done _right this second_ because dress rehearsals are coming up and he has no idea where all the time went. He doesn't actually have any idea what time of day it is when he reaches for the next thing to adjust and finds empty space. He blinks at it for a few minutes before he realizes that, barring Tony wanting anything changed, that's it—costumes are done and he can _breathe_. It's very novel.

He's tired but he goes by the training room anyway—he hasn't seen anyone who he hasn't specifically called in, and the walk lets him stretch the cramps out of his legs. Being a little social before he goes and gets some much needed sleep doesn't seem like a bad idea; he can let Tony know that his part is done for now too while he's at it. (That Tony will be with the performers right now is a foregone conclusion; he's nearly inseparable from them the last two weeks.)

Natasha and Maria are tossing unlit batons between each other, warming up from what Steve assumes was a lunch break—after all, it was around noon outside as he walked over and the performers are always much better about staying fed. He could watch them, he usually does because their acts are almost always on the ground, but he can't dislodge the thought of poison green eyes and _besides_ he's never actually seen Loki perform.

"No no no, _weight_, come on, we've been over this a thousand times, _weight, gravity_—"

"Stark, you are _welcome_ to show me how much _gravity_ to use while you twist into these shapes in the middle of the air. It might even be amusing."

"Yeah, I bet I could—hey, _stop that_, it's distracting and you are totally invalidating my argument."

Steve follows the fluttering red cloth up to where Loki is hanging; he is slowly winding the cloth around a leg and arm, hanging upside down and spine bending a way Steve knows is possible only because he's worked with contortionists before. It makes Steve dizzy to look at him, at how _little_ supports him, and how far a drop it is.

"Stevie! Just the guy I wanted to see, anyway, _you_ tell him to hold that a split second longer, he won't listen to me."

"Because," Loki says and the bottom falls out of Steve's stomach as he drops, cloth unwinding rapid fast, until he is supported by one hand, muscles in his arm taut, "you are being ridiculous. You have told me no less than twenty times that I need do it a beat longer, then a beat shorter, back and forth, ever since you walked over here. It was fine yesterday, and I have changed nothing." He unwraps his hand as he talks, till he's only supported by a fist bunched in the cloth, and slides the last foot to the floor, pushing hair out of his face, looking amused and annoyed.

"It's the week before opening night, he gets like this," Steve says.

"Traitor!" Tony protests. "And you're supposed to end that upside down, by your ankle, remember?"

Loki rolls his eyes.

"I am aware, but seeing as our illustrious costumer has decided to emerge from his cloth cocoon to speak with me about a change I wished made— "

"Say no more! Costumes, go." Tony waves them away, zeroing in on where Clint is practicing and marching off.

Steve blinks. He can't remember Loki asking for any changes and suddenly wonders if he lost a note amid all the others he's got in piles around his workspace right now. Loki has pulled on a black sweater and is walking towards the door, though, so Steve hurries to catch up with him.

"Sorry," Steve says he catches up outside, the mid-autumn air crisp, "I must have forgotten you asking."

Loki shoots him an amused look, eyes glittering and lips quirked into the knife-like smile Steve remembers vividly.

"My costume is fine."

"It is?" Steve thinks he might have whiplash; maybe he should have just gone straight to bed. When was the last time he slept anyway?

"Yes."

"Oh. _Oh._ You were just using me as an excuse to get away from Tony." Not that Steve can really blame him, if that conversation had been going on as long as Loki said before.

"Aiding in your escape from his last minute costume changes," Loki corrects, opening the door to the other building.

"Maybe," Steve jokes, "but I saw that look you were shooting him while he was looking at me."

Loki laughs; it's startled out of him, a quick flash of something far more wild than he appears, and Steve finds he quite likes the sound. They make their way to the kitchen; Steve gets himself a plate of leftover pasta from lunch while Loki settles on a cup of chocolate. Steve suspects the sweater Loki wears isn't his; it looks like one of Thor's, if only because of how it drowns the acrobat and keeps trying to slip off one of his shoulders, though he didn't know Thor owned any black.

"So," Steve asks after a few minutes of rather comfortable silence with someone he's barely spoken to, "_is your costume alright?"_

"It is perfectly fine. You do lovely work."

"Thanks. You nervous?"

Loki gives him a dry look and smirk.

"I think I'll manage. It is hardly my first performance."

"Right, well, you never know. Clint's been doing this since he was a kid and he still gets nervous sometimes."

"Mmm, that is delightful to know."

Steve realizes he maybe should have figured out the state of the Clint-dislikes-everyone-he-thinks-_likes-Natasha drama before telling that to Loki. On the other hand, Loki might need all the ammo he can get if it's gotten too bad. He has a feeling it hasn't, at least not with that clever gleam in Loki's eye._

Loki finishes his hot chocolate a few minutes later, that comfortable silence returned—it confuses Steve, how easy the silence is; he hasn't managed something like it in years, not without a great deal of talking first, and usually only with Pepper or Bruce these days.

"Have a pleasant nap," Loki says as he leaves.

"Be careful," Steve says before he can stop himself. Loki gives him an amused smile and leaves.

Opening night goes spectacularly. Steve lets go of a breath he didn't know he was holding. He mends wear on costumes, checks makeup, and aids with costume changes. He knows he could go and watch the performance, but instead he leaves it to the audience and the performers to pull apart and put back together. They move between cities, critics love the show, Tony preens, and, really, it reminds Steve why he's found some way to stay with the circus even after he stopped performing—this is home, even if they are on the road.

Steve does eventually make himself sit through one show. He spends most of it convincing himself to breathe, that the aerial acts are safe as they can be because Tony takes safety as seriously as any performer, maybe more so. The problem is, he used to do those same twists and flips; his eyes watch for hand holds, catch the slight slips before catching, can see when a twist is off by a degree or two. Loki's act isn't till right before intermission and Steve almost wants to leave, but he makes himself stay seated. He hasn't seen it, hasn't ever really watched Loki perform, not like he has the rest of the troupe, and it's useful to know if there's something that doesn't work with the costume—even though Loki had assured him it was fine.

The same measured calculation Steve has grown used to seeing hasn't disappeared. If anything, Steve realizes why Loki can't let it go—it's more pronounced in the air, as he moves with a slowness that allows for appreciation of the shapes he bends into. His muscles ripple like water beneath paper thin skin, but there's no shake or tremble that suggests fatigue. It's easy to get lost in his control, in the confidence he radiates, and by the time he finally drops at the close of his act, upside down, caught by a clever twining of cloth around his calf and stopped short only a few feet off the stage, Steve finds he's not panicked in the slightest.

Is actually enjoying himself, appreciating an aerial performance in a way he hasn't been able to since Bucky's accident.

"Thor says you watched the show this evening," Loki says later that evening, hair damp and dressed in the large black sweater and black sweats Steve has long since realized are his pajamas, worn to relax and let others know he is relaxing. Other than Thor, who Steve is pretty sure couldn't take a hint if he was smacked with it, for the most part everyone in the troupe knows to leave Loki alone unless he speaks to them first when he's wearing the outfit.

"I did," Steve says, handing Loki a mug of hot chocolate. "I usually try to sit through a show at least once; it's easier to see where costumes need adjusting when I see them in action."

(Steve doesn't even dare think about how routine it's become to share a warm drink after the final show of the weekend, before they pack up and move to the next city.)

"Mm," Loki hums in his noncommittal way, eyes slipping half-closed.

"I don't really like heights anymore," he adds.

"Really? I thought you used to perform aerial as well?"

"I did. I don't now. Like I said, don't much care for heights anymore. Can't stand watching it hardly."

Loki studies him, brow furrowed slightly in the way Steve knows means he's calculating, adjusting his worldview, changing details based off new information. Steve stays quiet; it's not that Loki is slow, it's that there's a lot in his head—has an eidetic memory, recalls details Steve's long since forgotten, and manages to keep most of it at ready pretty much all the time. It makes it incredibly frustrating to even tell him a half-truth or hide when something is the matter. Honestly, Steve's sometimes surprised Loki doesn't get bored by the routine of the circus at times, but he supposes that it's knowable and quantifiable in a way that many other things in life aren't, so maybe it isn't such a surprise after all. Loki, for all the jokes and subtle chaos he brings with him at times, very much needs some measure of control and awareness of everything to feel at ease; Steve had seen him when things threw that off and while Loki adjusted quickly, there was certainly no comfortable lounging somewhere others could see him in pajamas and he'd been short tempered until things returned to normal.

"You are only twenty-five, are you not?"

"Twenty-six."

Another pause, though not quite as long.

"An accident, then? Not you, though." Loki's eyes are fevered, sharply focused in a way Steve hasn't seen since he first showed Loki his makeup.

"A friend. He lives in England now with his wife; he couldn't preform afterward. Can't. Paralyzed from the waist down."

There's a rapid flash flinch, there and gone, and Steve is glad there's five days between them and the next performance.

"I am sorry."

"Not your fault. Wasn't really mine either, though I can't manage to get that through." Steve leans back, looking away. "It happens. Some of us get up and walk away. Some of us don't. I stayed away too long." He regathers himself, then looks at Loki. "I liked watching you. I could forget that… fear for a little while."

Loki looks startled before grinning, an uncontrolled one Steve's never seen, all warmth and pleasure, softening the sharp angles of his face and easing the fever brightness of his eyes.

Suddenly, all Steve wants is to see Loki uncontrolled again. It twines in his chest, a hot and white ache; he finishes his hot chocolate and excuses himself as quickly as he can without seeming awkward. He can feel Loki's eyes on him as he leaves, knows Loki is adjusting, sorting, trying to see what happened, and only hopes Loki puts it down to discussing bad memories.

Things readjust after that night. Steve finds himself still watching Loki, looking for a glimpse of that grin or something like it, but maintaining a certain reserve he didn't used to. Loki withdraws in turn, a certain politeness firmly back in place. Steve tells himself that it's better that way, knowing Loki is taking his cue from Steve.

He makes sure to watch Loki's act at least once every city.

It's February when Loki suddenly goes biting and snappish. Steve has no idea what's changed or what the source could be. When he asks Loki, Loki brushes him off. It's worrying; he knows that Loki has been in bad moods just before performances before, but this is different.

"Our mother died the 16th," Thor explains to Steve when Steve asks him. "It was years ago; she was performing and she fell. Loki thinks it is bad luck to preform on the anniversary of her death, but it has not been on a weekend in some time."

"Oh."

"He will be fine, Steve." Thor smiles sadly.

Steve hadn't been planning to watch Loki tonight; suddenly he doesn't know any way he can't. Thor might not understand—he doesn't do anything in the air, never has—but Steve knows how superstition and bad memory can twine together. He's planning to watch from backstage.

"Loki," he says, catching the other man just before he leaves to his place. Loki pauses, eyes fevered. "It'll be okay."

Loki blinks at him, then gives a swift nod and gone.

It's not quite a five minute act. Steve is sure it might be one of the longer five minutes he's ever stood through, but everything looks okay. Everything looks fine. For all Loki's twisting nervous energy and feverish gaze (for all bad memory and superstition), it's hard to notice from the ground. A muscle spasms here and there, but it usually vanishes so fast Steve isn't sure he didn't imagine it.

He chews his thumbnail the whole time anyway.

Outside, it's been raining, dull low thunder every now and then that doesn't quite manage to pierce inside or override the music. If anything, it adds to the ambiance—the whole show is built around rain and falling anyway. They've done shows through thunderstorms before, too; it's not worth noting most times. The possibly imaginary spasms aren't really lining up with the thunder that does manage to rumble through, so Steve has pretty much tuned it out, watching as Loki bends back into a near circle, slowly winding cloth around his arm and leg for the final drop, relieved that it looks like everything will be alright.

Thunder crashes, deafening and bone shaking, and for a split second the lights flicker.

It looks planned as Loki startles, letting go too soon, twisting sharply and a hand lashing out to grab onto the second cloth. The audience certainly thinks it is; Thor, meant to wait and pull Loki down as he hangs by his leg, darts forward, expression masked by his makeup.

Loki catches himself a few inches from the floor, muscles spasming, before he goes boneless, slipping into Thor's arms, eyes closed; Steve knows it's some attempt to salvage things, can tell from the audiences' faces and their applause that they don't realize what happened.

"Places," Fury snaps at those who haven't moved yet, watching horrified, a dark scowl on his face. "I fucking _told_ Stark," he says to Steve, herding people because the show isn't going to stop. Steve can hear the sounds of Tony bursting into the room, anger and worry in equal measure.

As soon as Thor and Loki are backstage, Loki explodes into movement, face angry, eyes feverish and bright, pulling himself out of Thor's arms. He stumbles hardly a step later, shaking too much to walk; Steve steadies him and Loki glares murder at him. Steve is going to tell him it's okay, that things are alright now, when Tony gets over to them.

"What the hell was that?" Tony demands.

"_Nothing_," Loki snarls, trying to step away again and staying upright this time.

"That wasn't _nothing_, you _let go_. You never let go, we've been through thunderstorms and worse before, and just _where_ do you think you're going?"

"To change." Loki is stalking off, growing more and more steady on his feet, tugging off his wig to reveal the sweaty mess beneath.

"No you're not. You're sitting out the rest of tonight." Tony's eyes land on Steve. "You, take him back to the rooms." Tony turns away, eyes raking over the rest, dismissing them. "Where's Natasha? Natasha, you're standing in for him."

"What?" Loki says furiously, stopping short. Steve grabs him by the arm and starts to guide him out, snagging Loki's sweater off the counter; he knows this will only get worse if Tony's attention returns to Loki.

"Don't," Steve says. "Run with it. You were barely able to walk a few seconds ago, you need to calm down."

"I am _fine_," Loki insists, snatching his sweater away from Steve, stopping just outside the backstage door.

"_No you're not_," Steve finally snaps back, irritation that Loki won't admit it and gut wrenching terror that's left a bitter taste in his mouth too much to bear. He takes a steadying breath and looks away for a few seconds. When he looks back, Loki's face is still, studying him. "One night away isn't going to kill you. Please."

Loki frowns and looks away.

"Fine."

The walk back is quiet and Steve finds he can finally think again, that the bitter taste is fading, that his heart isn't pounding rapid fast anymore. Loki eventually tugs his sweater on while they walk, some of the makeup smudging along the collar—a little powdery white and bloody red.

"Do you want company?" Steve asks just before Loki disappears into his room. Steve glances up; he wants to touch Loki, make sure he's real, that everything really is okay, but with how silent and brittle Loki's been he doesn't know if he can.

(Doesn't know if he really wants to risk it in case this is a dream, that Loki fell and didn't catch himself, that Thor wasn't there to catch him.)

"The company for a drink would not be unwanted," Loki finally says after a long pause, leaving the door open so Steve can follow him in.

Loki is pulling a bottle of whiskey and two tumblers from his bag as Steve shuts the door behind himself. The room is impersonal, a few clothes scattered here and there, a closed leather journal by the bed with a pen resting on top, but Steve isn't really surprised—they're leaving in two days, there's no reason to unpack everything only to repack it again. Steve's careful to not brush Loki's hand as he takes the offered tumbler and sits down with some distance between them on the bed.

They drink in silence; Steve tries to get his mind stop replaying the flicker of lights and seeing Loki let go too soon. Loki sits next to him, legs folded, eyes downcast. Eventually, Steve notices Loki's shivering, shock setting back in now that he's had a few moments to process.

"Hey," he says softly, reaching out to put a hand on Loki's knee. His thumb rubs against the skin-coloured tights. Loki's eyes flick up to look at him. "It's okay. You're okay."

"Clearly," Loki says dryly. "What was it like?"

Steve swallows, but he doesn't look away.

"Terrifying. I thought… just terrifying. I couldn't really think. You?"

He can see Loki struggling to maintain the eye contact.

"The same. I had thought perhaps things would end well. I was not expecting the thunder to be so loud—my concentration slipped."

"But they did end well. I mean, you're here. You're not hurt."

"I _slipped_," Loki repeats, as if Steve is a slow child. Steve only grins back at him.

"And you still made it look planned."

Loki huffs, but he's smiling as well now, no longer shaking. It's that same grin Steve first fell for, uncontrolled and loose. Impulsively, Steve leans forward and kisses him. Loki makes a soft sound as he leans into the kiss; he tastes like face paint but underneath there's fire and whiskey and something Steve doesn't have a name for but could drink down the rest of the night if given the chance.

His fingers slide to Loki's neck, cupping the back of his head as Loki moves closer, other hand moving to the small of Loki's back underneath his sweater. Loki's fingers twist in his hair, pulling him closer, kiss quickly growing deeper, wet slip and slide of mouth and teeth and tongues.

When Steve wakes, pleasant ache in most of his muscles, he is alone. It takes a few disorienting minutes to place where he's at, but once he does, he lays in the bed, staring at the ceiling. He thinks some—about how Loki tastes, about falling, about getting back up, fear and how it is overcome—and then pulls himself out of the bed. He tugs his clothes back on before making his way out.

Loki, not surprisingly, is in the warm up tent, alone. Steve knows the look in his eye, the determined set of his jaw. Loki could never be satisfied with finding something else to do, and they both know if he stays away too long there won't be a getting back up again.

Just look at Steve.

"You know you need someone to spot you," Steve says, crossing his arms and staring up at Loki.

Loki shrugs.

"You're here now," Loki points out, and Steve huffs, but he can't help but smile.

This time, the shivers aren't imagined. Steve makes himself watch, despite the nervousness in his gut, and Loki otherwise ignores him after that. Focused inward, Steve suspects, and that's more than fair enough. Loki needs to sort this out for himself, to regain control. So the shivers are there, unimagined, but they don't last as long, until, eventually, they aren't there at all.

They're both still there when Tony comes in, hair sticking up every which way and mouth set in a worried line.

"I thought I said—"

"He's fine," Steve interrupts. "He needed to do this, I'm here to spot. Nothing to worry about."

Tony gives looks at Steve for a few long minutes, and Steve looks right back at him. He can see Tony calculating, weighing the pros and cons; it's not until Loki slides up and twines himself around one of Steve's arms that either realize the contortionist has come down.

"Is there a problem?" Loki asks, all innocence.

Tony's eyes flick between them, then he huffs, a grin cracking his features.

"Took you long enough," Tony says, clapping Steve on the shoulder. "Get breakfast, you two. And a shower."

Steve blinks but smiles, glancing at Loki. Loki only smiles back, easy and wild and unrestrained, the tension that had been in his every move since the night before finally gone.

"Thank you," Loki says.

"Glad I could help," Steve says. "Though I wouldn't mind continuing the other bit. You know. If it helps, but I don't want to presume, I do really like—"

Loki puts a hand on his mouth.

"You should stop talking," he suggests.

Steve kisses the palm of Loki's hand and Loki's nose wrinkles slightly.

Months later, Loki's hand wrapping around his and hauling him up to the roof to stare at the stars, Steve wonders what it might be like to be a little higher.


End file.
